I want some things so bad
Friday, Jan. 09, 2004, 8:08 p.m.

I want adventures. I want to be the crazy one who spontaneously exclaims "Let's go bungee jumping!" I cannot tell you how far away I am from being that adventurous person, I am too far off. It doesn't stop me from dreaming though.

One day I will be the mad, goofy person who takes risks and chances all day long. But today, at this moment, there is something that is stopping me. Fear. Fear of always being alone, fear of being ignored, and fear of being called a loser. Good friends are hard to find and I am certainly having a hard time finding them. My current teenage-era is miserable; my childhood has been comfortable but not the best one. I feel so lonely.

Loneliness has always been a problem of mine, it can't be denied. I have some sort of fear against being *too* close to people that I push them away from the beginning. This fear stems back into my childhood where friend after friend would leave me, dump me and ignore me. My first best friend dumped me for another person in second grade. That small rejection has been plaguing me my whole life. It has led me into foolish decisions and it has created an invisible bubble in which I stand, alone. This bubble makes it easy for me to talk to other people but I can't get them close, they only touch the invisibility and back away when they sense my lack of response. But they don't understand that I want to respond to them so bad that I ache, it's my safety net that ruins everything.

And I am left to cry, alone in a corner, wishing I could have a friend who would call me every now and then to see how I feel. Who can understand me? I'm the beast, forever doomed to avoid others' friendship and nearness since I'm so scared that they will discover what a horrible person I am. They will see the gloomy mask and decide that I am not worth a chance. I want good friends so much that it's killing me. I want a friend who could come over uncalled-for just to watch TV with me or talk about life. Yet, that picture is far away, too far.

I am harassed by untrue thoughts, and they're slowly taking over me.

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