Things aren't looking up
Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005, 5:55 p.m.

Argh! Things are looking pretty bad right now.

I've fallen off the wagon...it started last friday and it just kept going up until now. Ice cream, peanut butter (I really need to throw it out!), candy, pop corn, I've eaten it all.

I don't want to beat myself up over this but I feel kind of sad right now. Like I've lost my grip. . .

It's so hard for me NOT to connect food with guilt. I can't look at food in a 'normal' way. I know this is a problem and I need to deal with it, It's easier to talk about it nowadays anyway.

People who feel ok with themselves and their bodies, they don't think it's the end of the world if they have a pizza, or a chocolate bar now and then. They just enjoy it and continue on with their lives. It's totally different for me. I feel like a complete FAILURE everytime I fall off. Like I'm going to gain 100 pounds overnight and that I'll NEVER be able to lose it again. I know that when I think like this, I'm unconciously steering myself towards a binge. I expect too much of myself.

Sigh. I hope I'll be able to solve these issues soon because I desperately want to have a normal relationship with food. I want to be healthy and be able to eat everything now and then, I just don't want it to control and ruin my life, that's all.

Everybody encounters setbacks. I just need to keep holding on and get up and get moving again.

Tomorrow I'm going for a nice morning walk to steer myself in the right direction. I just need to find that bloody motivation of mine. .

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